(Note the camera's erroneous date: this picture will be taken when Jessi and I are 39 and 41.)
I had a righteous 7" mohawk on my first date with my wife. I'm not talking about a metrosexual hair-pushed-to-the-center gel job. I'm talking about a legit vertical mohawk on my otherwise Mr. Clean shaved head. It was savage and glorious. At the time, I had just started my first job in ministry with a group of six students (which God grew to four the next week) and the idea of having 50 students in one of our Wednesday night services made all 5 of us gasp. Today, so low a number in one of our services would lead everyone to the most immediately logical assumption that there had been a natural disaster resulting in mass casualties in the area, but at the time it was an ambitious prospect. I challenged my handful of students to bring in 50 people and promised to let them give me a mohawk on the spot. It took them three months; the perfect amount of time to land me squarely in the midst of a series of important pastor's conferences, drumline competitions, and the most important first date of my life... with a mohawk.
I drove up to Jessi's parents' house in my old Mustang GT "Lucy," popped the collar on my leather jacket to block a sudden icy breeze, and then thought of what a stereotype I must look like. I also remembered at that moment Jessi's father's profession; pastor of a small church downtown. I had messaged Jessi on Facebook to give her a heads-up. I rang the doorbell and a soprano voice invited me to come in. Jessi and her mom were sitting on their couch. I would later learn they were just praying for our date that night. Jessi's mom laughed when she saw my hair and her father walked out of the kitchen to shake my hand with a somewhat suppressed smile. "This must be a father's worst nightmare," were my first words to my future father-in-law. "Pretty much," was his blithe reply. I'll get back to the date itself in approximately 3.2 paragraphs, but first...
I was ecstatic to be taking Jessica Nott on a date at all. She was far and away the "it" girl of Pensacola's biggest college ministry and had just recently returned from a long-term mission trip to Malaysia...something I found incredibly hot. My friend (and future groomsmen in our wedding) Marshall whom you may have seen as the "gold guy" painted head to toe in glittering gold paint at FSU's football games followed me on his motorcycle all the way from Tallahassee just to introduce me to her because I had all but decided to become a monk and he was convinced Jessi and I would be married one day. She was the Supervisor at a Chick-fil-A and was working behind the counter when we met.
"Hi, my name's 'Jesse.'"
"Wow, my name's 'Jessi' too!"
"My name's 'Jesse' too!"
"Mine too!"
....
It was an uncommonly socially inept moment for both of us. As we left the restaurant, Marshall asked me, "So, are you still too busy to come to the beach with us tomorrow?" "Not if SHE's going to be there," I replied. "What happened to 'just me and God for awhile?'" Well played, Marshall. Meanwhile, inside Chick-fil-A, Jessi burst into the kitchen and prophesied to her fellow chicken peddlers that she had just met the man she was going to marry. I would not learn about that until the night I proposed and her friend Stephanie who witnessed Jessi's chicken restaurant prophecy and would a year later be a bridesmaid shared it with the several hundred of our friends and family who came to our beautiful wedding reception.
The two of us ran into one another on various other occasions after our awkward/exciting first meeting, but I was pretty swamped starting a small business, a Master's degree, a new percussion program, and my first full-time job in ministry while she was only a couple weeks from leaving for Malaysia. She and a guy I assumed she was quasi-dating joined me and some friends at Waffle House and the group social engagement ended up being a hijacked conversation between the two of us with an audience listening in as they ate. She invited me to her going away party. I said I would try, but wasn't able to attend. Looking back, we both agree this worked out for the best because the all-eclipsing presence of my studliness would have sent her away thinking about nothing other than my deep brown eyes (seriously, you should see them) instead of doing God's work. When she finally returned, I went to a worship concert that I knew she would attend. Sure enough, as soon as the lights came up after the closing prayer, a tribe of eager little college boys SWARMED her and then followed her. Having arrived late, I was in the back of the room, but I knew where she was at all times without being able to see her because there was a conspicuous amoeba of sycophantic guys 3 people thick from all angles migrating around the room with Jessi at its nucleus. Not accustomed to having to pursue women, it was not until both of our moms (who worked together) told us individually that the other Jess(i/e) was not one to pursue that I knew I had to make a move...so I did...I got her number...while she was hanging out with another guy...a "date" I later learned she chose around knowledge of where I would be found that night :). So, after waiting three days which is universally considered the coolest and least desperate thing to do, I called her and said I would be honored to take her on a date that coming Saturday. My students gave me a mohawk on Wednesday, I attended a pastors' conference led by Ed Stetzer on Thursday, the drumline I directed won first place in drums at a band contest on Saturday, I baptized a few students on Sunday, and took my future wife on a date the next Tuesday; all with a fully erect mohawk.
Now, back to the date itself.
The first five minutes of this date were life-changing. So much of our lives' directions pivoted paradigmatically in those minutes. We pulled away from Jessi's parents house, rounded the first couple of corners on our way out of the neighborhood, and then I dropped what could have been a date atomic bomb. Turning off the music somewhat abruptly, I cleared my throat and said, "Look, I'm not dating just to date. I'm hoping to figure out who my future wife is and that's why I invited you on a date with me tonight. My intentions are exclusively romantic, I'm not looking for more friends, and if that freaks you out, I can turn around and take you back home right now." I held my breath for her response, knowing that what I just said was completely contrary to the status quo contemporary dating modus operandi, but also knowing that I was way too busy to just get coffee or perhaps some gourmet fish with just another woman no matter how delicious the fish or even potentially amazing the woman. With my foot expectantly hovering over the brake, my abs involuntarily flexed, and my teeth internally clenched, I waited an excruciating 1.57 seconds until she gasped out her response. "G...Oh, thank God. I have been so sick of guys wasting my time." I exhaled for the first time in the duration of our whole date. That first five minutes immediately set the trajectory for the rest of our relationship from first date to Starbucks addiction to sleeping like homeless people in the park because we didn't want to go to either party's empty house where we knew we would be tempted (by the way, Jessi left me sleeping in said park and went to continue her mid Fall day nap in the car just in time for her mom to go walking in said park with a friend and spot me sleeping like a hobo) to our marriage today. Because we wasted no time whatsoever in the whole nebulous "what are his/her intentions" or "I don't want to seem like a psycho for saying the 'm' word on a first/second/third date" morass. Rather, we circumvented the circuitous by getting right to business. The relationship's purpose was given crystal clarity from its kick-off. "Are we supposed to be married?" Answering that question was the purpose of our relationship. That, accompanied by my intentional strategy to preserve our purity, ensured that our relationship would be a success whether we were meant to be married or not. Even if we broke up, we would have answered the question "are we supposed to be married?" successfully and it would have done so without compromising our purity or forming unrealistically close bonds as those who get physically involved before marriage do.
We drove to the FishHouse; a beautiful and upscale restaurant overlooking Pensacola Bay. I had swordfish and Jessi had tilapia. I ordered creme brulee for both of us, but ended up eating all of it. My mohawk was a novelty for the wealthy couples with whom we shared the place and even turned out to be mildly effective in blocking the aforementioned chilly breeze from Jessi's soft face as we walked along the boardwalk after the sun set. My opening statement had put the date and our relationship on the fast track. We spent the evening describing our families to one another, our current professional stati, and even disclosing the parts and pieces we each had to a vision for the future. Conveniently, or perhaps providentially, said pieces complemented one another to form a tantalizing possibility that left us both incredibly excited at the date's conclusion and that is a great place to be after a first date.
The scriptural basis for this kind of approach is largely based in Romans 12 with other bases in James 2 and Song of Songs. After laying out the beautiful grace of God not only toward his chosen nation of Israel in Romans chapter 9, but also the Gentiles in chapter 10, in chapter 11 he uses the metaphor of a chosen vine covered with ingrafted branches as the old covenant is satisfied and sacrifices are no longer necessary as Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. "Christ is the end of the law so that there might be righteousness for all who believe." So, it is in view of God's mercy that Paul urges Christians to offer their bodies as living (keyword "living") sacrifices holy and pleasing to God in a spiritual (as opposed to old covenant physical) act of worship. Especially when it comes to dating and marriage, we are not to conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Then, once we have the mind of Christ in this worshipful state, we will be able to TEST and approve what God's will is; his good pleasing and perfect will (paraphrase of Romans 12:1-2). The nature of testing and approving is exactly what it sounds like: trying things out to see if they are or are not God's will. When you make decisions with your heart worshipfully aligned with God's, your desires and decisions are far more likely to be in line with God's will because you now want the same things that God wants. Psalm 37:4 reads, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." How often has this verse been twisted to make Jesus into some cosmic Santa Claus? No, when you delight yourself in the Lord, he will give you DESIRES. As you abide in Christ and his words abide in you, the things you want CHANGE to align with the things that he wants. This is why John 15:5-7 says that you may ask anything and it will be given to you; because you want what God wants. This is why Psalm 20:4-5 written by David reads, "May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the Lord grant all your requests." I understand the nature of and the heart of those who state the whole "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans" euphemism, but God's word in Psalm 20:4-5 trumps man's colloquialisms.
The first words God ever spoke to man as recorded in scripture were a qualification of man's freedom. "You are free...(Gen.2:16)." When God calls you to do the thing that makes the least sense, he is abundantly clear, but when the Holy Spirit is largely silent in a specific practical matter, it is because God has already told us through his word what we need to know and thereupon act. So, those abiding in Christ should wholeheartedly and calculatingly pursue anything their hearts desire that God does not forbid. Consider Paul and company in Acts 16:6-10 as the only guidance they first received from God was where NOT to go. The Holy Spirit forbid them from entering Asia, so they traveled to Mysia. The spirit of Jesus (what that means precisely I ache to know), forbid them from entering Bithynia, so they went to Troas. God had a sovereign plan to bring Peter to those regions of Asia, Bithynia, Pontus, and Cappadocia, and Galatia (see 1 Peter 1:1) ten years later, so Paul and Luke traveled instead to Macedonia led by a vision of a man there and the gospel entered Europe! American Christians owe their ecclesial heritage to the initiative of Paul who ACTED within the guidance God gave him. Aren't you glad Paul didn't discern God's will the way most modern Christians do? The man was like an hyperactive anointed loose canon; constantly traveling to do what he knew ought to be done. Apply this balance between reverence for God's sovereignty and a realistic view for the necessity of man's initiative to the pursuit of a prospective spouse and you'll find the standard model for Christian dating advice wanting. Such pragmatism seems unromantically scientific to advocates of the modern status quo Christian dating/courtship party line. "Be still and feel. Sense that God will bring about a disproportionately attractive spouse with no baggage when you feel most ready for it, though you have done nothing to bring this about yourself." Such an approach leaves Christians refusing to do what they know ought to be done because they see it as an effrontery to the sovereignty of God.
Seemingly eternal single Christians often have these dreadful checklists with standards so high only Jesus could fulfill them, only Jesus wouldn't marry these people. We ought to turn the checklists on ourselves, strive to be the best potential spouses we can be, and actively seek out (men) or strategically wait for (women) opportunities which we aggressively seize when they come about. It is one thing to sit in the honest belief that God will bring you the one single person in this universe for whom you were predestined (God forbid you get that wrong and thereby forfeit the rest of your wasted carcass of a life). That is faith...sort of. It is quite another thing to have faith that God wills you to be married, to see a beautiful godly woman, and immediately walk up to her and get her number like a boss. That is faith accompanied by action. Yes, there are absolutely those times we must simply wait on the Lord, but God makes it clear when that is the case (especially for marriage-minded Christian women) and James 2 shows that faith if it's not accompanied by action is dead. Compared to the hyper ethereal non method for discerning the specifics of God's will for one's life such as whom to marry, my counsel seems like cold hard math. However, I like the way my approach helped to bring about my beautiful family better than the way their approach has kept them lingering in directionless and frustrating stagnation. The couple in Song of Solomon exemplified this kind of deliberate and intentional pursuit and courtship. I can hear some of the Christian counselors I knew as a college student telling the Lover in Song of Songs that he lacks faith because he is trying so hard to make things happen on his own. The truth is, the Lover (Solomon before he became a huge creep) proved his tremendous faith by what he did.
"He who finds a wife finds what is good and gains favor from the Lord (Proverbs 18:22)." Look at the practicality in that verse. Marriage-ready young single men, if you are abiding in Christ and know a marriage-minded Christian woman who is also pursuing Christ full speed and to whom you are attracted (believe me, attraction is important), then CONFIDENTLY ask her on a date. Many believe you have to pay your dues in the friend zone pretending not to be attracted to one another before you can make a move, but that is definitely not what we did. Instead, Jessi and I became best friends as we dated.
For six months, Jessi and I lived in paradise and grew rapturously in love with one another. Moving forward with such great intentionality and clear purpose, it took only three months for me to see that it was God's will for us to be married. I didn't share that with her for another three months after that, but learned when I did that she knew the same time I did...the same exact hour, in fact. I was bringing a caravan of borrowed church vans home from a ski trip with over 70 people and Jessi was waiting on me in the parking lot of one of them. After a series of maddening encounters with gas station attendants and car wash payment machines that had seemingly never before processed a card, I was driving a van belonging to my buddy's church and found myself wanting to speed to get to Jessi. The fastest my convictions would allow me to drive was five m.p.h. over the speed limit, so I resorted to pulling my body over the steering wheel and craning my neck forward as that brought me just a little closer to Jessi. In that moment, God spoke to me in my heart, "Look at how ridiculous you look right now. Of course she's your wife." Meanwhile, Jessi was about to pace a hole through the parking lot whilst doing the little hand flying thing she does when God spoke the same thing to her. The church van came barreling around the corner, we kissed (yes, before marriage and did so without compromising our purity once. If you just lack all self control, do not attempt.), and we both secretly knew at the same time. I proposed three months later, we were engaged (ugh...the institution of engagement is fodder for another post) for six months, and were married five days from the anniversary of our first date. Take into account the fact that I was a 22 year old independent, educated, financially solvent, and mature man who had already begun my career, so the fast track was appropriate for us. In fact, it was altogether necessary for preserving our purity; ESPECIALLY when I bought us a brand new house and lived in it as the two of us picked out furniture, decorations, and spatulas for it together. I will write extensively on the ENTIRELY ACHIEVABLE struggle to keep one's purity in due time, but for now suffice to say that it is a worthy cause indeed to struggle to keep your hands of the person you're going to marry. Consider the alternative of marrying someone to whom you're not sexually attracted; DISASTER. Our wedding day was a beautiful day of worship and celebration...and also food poisoning.
So, that's how you bag a hot wife: you get a mohawk.
